Alex’s Life As A Goron

Alex’s Life As A Goron

Goron TF.

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Sometimes we end up in various situations we don’t have any control over, and sometimes it becomes too real as with the case of the protagonist in this story Once upon a loading screen, in a quiet suburban bedroom, - in the town of Oakendale, lived a human named Alex. Alex was your typical Zelda fan—played hours, memorized every shrine, and had a mild obsession with bomb flowers and his love of the many species in the game including zoras and gorons, in fact he had a mutual respect for them, and not in a fetishistic way (unlike one of his peers who focused on the sumo wrestling scene for questionable reasons). I know this sounds like one of those AI written stories but I assure you that the rest of the story is all me so you do not need to make accusations or make lame comments about it.



One day while playing Alex awoke feeling... heavy. Not just the usual Monday morning grogginess, but like gravity itself was conspiring against their limbs. As Alex tried to sit up, their fingers felt... chunky as they puffed up and his skin slowly hardened and took on a rocky texture, all of him felt rather heavy and stone-like as hush as his hands swelled, he did not remember eating or taking any strange things that would trigger the change but he felt odd just looking at himself in the mirror. ‘What the—why do my hands look like boulders?’ Alex muttered, staring at his rapidly bulking fists. Before his eyes, nails thickened into cracked stones, and his skin turned from normal to a granite grey color.



“No way. This is just the new VR Zelda patch, right? Cool immersive tech.”



But it wasn’t tech. It was a transformation. Alex stumbled to the mirror—if you could call it that anymore. His hair receding into his head as his face deformed and his mouth stretched into a wide goofy looking smile as his whole body bulked up, piling up with a rocky texture as he grw taller and taller, his clothing ripped as his feet enlarged in the process. It was a rather strange transformation that’s for sure and he did not know what to make of it. ‘Well that is just great,” Alex sighed. ‘I’ve always wanted to be a rolling boulder.’



Panicking, Alex tried to text a friend but the fingers lacked the dexterity—every tap was like punching through stone. Typing “help” turned into “H-E-L-L… uh, rolling boulder?” Autocorrect gave up and he nearly did too as his voice deepened, he developed some goron characteristics but he was still himself. Suddenly, Alex remembered the Goron roll. “Maybe if I try rolling, I can—’

He tensed, transformed into a perfect stone sphere, and started rolling uncontrollably down the stairs, smashing family heirlooms, crushing a potted plant, and narrowly missing the mailman and a few other passerbys. ‘Why didn’t anyone warn me about the physics of Goron life? This stupid body is nothing but trouble.’



Eventually he grew adjusted to his new form and used it to his advantage, even referencing the Rockbiter from Neverending Story as he realized he could use this to help others which he did, after all - those hands of his looked like good, big, strong hands.